From a Therapist.com Article Whether it’s for work or the rest of life, I like to make a plan and have a schedule. But no matter how hard we try, certain things just aren’t meant to happen in an orderly fashion. One of those things is grief. Logically speaking, the loss I suffered shouldn’t have been that devastating. My grandpa Roger was 92 years old when he passed away in 2020. He lived a very long, full life, and for most of that time he was healthy and happy.  But when he passed away, my grief at losing him was compounded by my grief over the COVID-19 pandemic, leading to a spiral that took a long time to pull out of. As I struggled to recover from the loss, I found myself asking the same questions I’m sure many others have. These might sound familiar to you, too.

Shouldn’t I be past this stage of grief by now?

Whenever we lose someone, the stages of grief inevitably come up. Comments like, “It’s okay that you’re angry, it’s a stage you have to go through,” or “Of course it doesn’t feel real, you’re in denial,” seem to crop up left and right from friends, concerned acquaintances, and other mourners.  The concept of the five stages of grief was created in 1969 by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book “On Death and Dying.” Since then, they’ve become a refrain that most people can recite from memory. As Kübler-Ross defines them, these stages are:

• Denial: The reality of the loss has not sunk in, and you struggle to process the magnitude of what’s happened. You may find yourself saying things like “There must be some kind of mistake.” 
• Anger: The pain of loss combines with feelings of helplessness, leading to frustration and anger. Anger can serve as an emotional buffer; when you’re feeling angry, it draws focus away from your pain.
• Bargaining: During this stage, you try to ease suffering by striking a deal, often with some higher power. It can also involve ruminating on past experiences with a loved one that can’t be changed. For instance, you may think, “If only I’d insisted they go to the doctor earlier, we might have caught the illness in time to save them.”
• Depression: When the loss becomes real to you, it can feel overwhelming. During the depression stage, you experience the pain of loss acutely and fixate on everything that will now be missing from your life. You may feel helpless, sorrowful, and generally low. 
• Acceptance: Acceptance isn’t synonymous with “moving on.” Instead, it means you’ve embraced your new reality. You can begin to imagine the future and what this new version of your life will look like.

Kübler-Ross’s colleague David Kessler, a world-renowned grief expert, introduced a sixth stage of grief in 2019:

• Finding meaning: Kessler defines this stage as the time after a loss in which you can move forward and live in a way that honors your loved one’s memory. You’re able to look back on memories of them with more love and gratitude than pain.

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From a Psychology Today Article We may give people we love free passes sometimes, but there are some behaviors you might not want to accept in any relationship. Toxic relationship behaviors aren’t just about arguing or jealousy. They can also include more subtle actions that affect the way you see yourself and the world. Identifying which relationship dynamics harm your mental health can help you make decisions and protect yourself.

Signs you’re in a toxic relationship

How to tell if your relationship is toxic starts with awareness. What’s considered toxic in a relationship may depend on many factors, including your culture, how you were raised, and how these behaviors affect you. Some signs that your relationship may be toxic include:

• not feeling safe
• being emotionally and financially dependent on your partner
• feeling unhappy
• walking on eggshells around your partner
• doubting yourself
• not being able to say or do things you wish you could

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From the January issue of the North Shore Towers Courier. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” is one of the most quoted movie lines of all times... Does love truly mean never having to say you’re sorry? Are apologies superfluous in loving relationships? Is the phrase based on the assumption that people who love each other never disappoint each other? Or, on the supposition that where love exists there is no judgement? Or, on the notion that forgiveness is automatic in loving relationships? Such premises can survive only in imaginary romantic narratives. In reality, the opposite is true: Love means having to say you’re sorry (at least occasionally) when your words or actions hurt someone you love. ...The essence of an apology is conveying to a wronged party that the offender reflected on what had happened, comprehends the wronged person’s hurt, and regrets his or her offense. An apology requires an attempt to put oneself in the other person’s shoes and mobilize empathy, regardless of whether or not the apologizer agrees with the wronged person’s reaction. ...There are apology-challenged individuals who are reluctant to offer apologies, regardless of the seriousness of their wrongdoing. In fact, research indicates that, often, the ones who commit the more serious transgressions are also the ones less likely to feel regret and less likely to make amends. Read the full article Nurit Israeli's Facebook Page

Originally published at Psychology Today Gaslighting and stonewalling are two behaviors that can be damaging to relationships, but can be countered with boundaries. The truth is, you or your loved one may very well care about your relationship — and a lot. However, without the proper conflict resolution skills, we can become overwhelmed with emotion. If you don’t know what to do or say in a conflict, you might turn to tactics like stonewalling or gaslighting to cope. Knowing what these behaviors look like can help you work to counter them or set boundaries when you see them in others.

Defining the terms

Stonewalling and gaslighting are two behaviors that may:

• be defense mechanisms
• signal interpersonal aggression
• be ineffective ways of coping
• be a form of manipulation

They can be just one or several of these things at once.

What is stonewalling?

According to the work of relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, stonewalling is one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse.” This is a metaphor for communication styles that are damaging to relationships. Read the full article at PsychCentral

Originally published at Psychology Today Anxiety is miserable. And most people reach for a pill or push it away to reduce it. But if we think of anxiety as a signal or as the tip of an iceberg, we can take steps to more permanently ease it. Anxiety tells us deep biological programs called core emotions have been triggered out of conscious awareness. These core emotions are designed by evolution to be felt and expressed. When we push them away, we feel anxiety. Learning about core emotions and how they work in the mind and body is the most important thing we can do to change anxiety. Tools like the Change Triangle guide us to name our core emotions. Emotional conflicts can be more effectively dealt with when we can identify and work with the underlying divergent emotional experiences. What follows is an explanation of two techniques I teach my psychotherapy clients and participants in the Emotions Education 101 class I teach:

Technique #1: Identify both sides of your conflict and speak them in your mind with an "and" instead of a "but." For examples:

I love you AND right now I’m so angry at you that I feel like I hate you. I feel sad AND happy. I am depressed and I know I am lucky in many ways. I am lonely AND I prefer to be alone. Summary: Name and validate when you have anxiety, look for any underlying conflicts, validate each side of the conflict with an "and" instead of a "but." Notice how that feels. Click here to read the full article

Originally published at Psychology Today There is a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that reads, “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” Our best friends take us how we are and love us through it all. And in return, we talk out our problems and often speak from a place of truly wanting the best for each other. This is something most of us have in common: We are capable of good advice for our best friends. This advice might sound like, “You deserve better,” or “Apply for the job; the worst they could say is no.” It might even be as simple as, “Let it go.” So, have you ever noticed that it’s harder to speak so lovingly to yourself? The trouble comes from the negative slant the brain favors. It may seem messed up, but often by being negative your brain is trying to help you. Say you are applying for a job, your brain is actually trying to protect you from feeling disappointment by saying, “Why bother? They won’t hire you.” You don’t apply so you won’t feel sad about not getting the job. Of course, the unfortunate side effect is you end up feeling crappy anyway and lose out on new opportunities. In this example, what would your best friend say? They might remind you of how qualified you are for the job, how much the company would miss out on by not hiring you, and if you don’t get it another job will be lucky to have you. Sounds better! How come it’s so easy to say that to someone else? Well, we wouldn’t have very many friends if we talked to them the way we talk to ourselves. Instead, we learned to be supportive, caring, and encouraging in order to maintain meaningful relationships. Here are five ways to develop positive self-talk and treat yourself like your own best friend. Read the full article

Originally published at PsychCentral.com Research shows there may be a link between COVID-19 and the symptoms of depression. Here’s why it happens. Whether you’ve lost a loved one to COVID-19, experienced financial difficulties, or had a hard time adjusting to all the changes, the pandemic likely impacted you in some way. If you feel like you’re living with depression resulting from all of this, you’re not alone. Between 2020 and 2021, diagnoses of anxiety and depressive disorders jumped from 36% to 41%, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). But are these symptoms of depression a result of external factors only, or is depression a residual effect of the disease? So far, the research is pointing toward both.

Mental health symptoms of COVID-19

Scientists are learning more about the new coronavirus every day. But, for now, there’s limited information about the long-term effects of COVID-19. But there’s some indication that there may be a link between the disease and symptoms of depression. One study suggested that the coronavirus indirectly creates blood clots, which can cause brain damage. Another study suggested that our body’s immune system could indirectly be injuring brain cells while fighting the virus. Indeed, increased inflammation in the body is linked to depression. The coronavirus’s effect on the brain increases the risk for mental health challenges. About 1 in 5 people will develop a mental health condition 14 to 90 days after being diagnosed with COVID-19. For 5.8% of patients, it will be their first one. Mental health symptoms that developed as a result of COVID-19 also seem to persist 6 months after recovery. There also appears to be a link between COVID-19 symptoms and common symptoms of depression. For example, the loss of taste and smell were associated with depressive and anxiety symptoms. More recent research is starting to link depression with COVID-induced headaches. For example, a study published this year found that people with COVID-19 were at a higher risk for depressive symptoms when they reported headaches. Depressive symptoms were also more likely among younger adults than older adults. Read the full article

Originally published at PsychCentral.com Many of us hesitate to say no to others. With mindful tips like these, saying no is an emotionally intelligent skill anyone can master — really! It’s just two letters, and yet saying no can feel really hard — even complicated. For many of us, saying no doesn’t just feel awkward. It feels wrong. So, whenever anyone asks you to do almost anything, you might blurt out, “Yes! Sure! Of course! Happy to!” But in reality, you may feel the opposite. Maybe you’d rather be doing about a thousand other things. Or maybe you’re OK with saying yes, but it’s not the best thing for your daily bandwidth or mental health. Here’s the good news: Saying no is a skill you can sharpen. The more you say no, the more natural it’ll feel. Here are several ways to build the skill of saying no in different situations — even if it feels like you’re doing it from the ground up.

Why saying no feels hard

For starters, it’s important to realize that if saying no is challenging for you, you’re not alone. As social psychologist Dr. Vanessa K. Bohns writes in a 2016 research review examining people’s influence over others, “Many people agree to things — even things they would prefer not to do — simply to avoid the considerable discomfort of saying ‘no.’” For example, a series of small studies, published in 2014, found that when asked, many people would acquiesce and commit unethical acts, such as telling a white lie or vandalizing a book — even when they felt these acts were perceived as wrong. As social creatures who want to be part of the herd, we also want to preserve our relationships. So, we might blurt out yes because we don’t want to be seen as difficult, says Dr. Emily Anhalt, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of Coa, an online mental fitness club. Or, we don’t want to disappoint a good friend or hurt someone’s feelings, notes Dr. Nicole Washington, a board-certified psychiatrist and the chief medical officer of Elocin Psychiatric Services. Another reason yes pours out of us? Our past. According to Anhalt, while growing up, you might’ve not learned to advocate for yourself. “It’s also possible that you say yes because you deeply want to help. But you forget that your ability to accommodate others isn’t an endless well,” Anhalt says. In other cases — like a work situation — we might worry that saying no says something about our ability to accomplish a certain task, adds Washington. Put another way, we think declining makes us look incompetent.

Why saying no is a good — no, great — thing

When you struggle with saying no in personal or professional situations, it helps to remember the self-preservation in passing things up. “Saying no is one of the best forms of self-care we can engage in,” Washington says. She notes that saying no supports us in:

• creating space in our schedules to rest and recharge
• engaging in activities that actually align with our current goals
• setting boundaries with loved ones and colleagues

Ultimately, saying no gives us greater navigation over our lives, says Anhalt. This grants us the opportunity to build a fulfilling, meaningful life on our own terms. After all, we can only have power over ourselves — so, let’s exercise that power. Read the full article at PsychCentral.com

Article by Rena Goldman and originally posted at PsychCentral.com 

A reminder that you don’t have to put up with toxic behavior, even from your mother.

When your childhood wasn’t exactly ideal, Mother’s Day can bring on some complex emotions. Each year, there’s an endless barrage of ads, gift roundup articles, and sappy social media posts. If, like me, you have a complicated or nonexistent relationship with your mother, seeing representations of how American society views mothers can bring feelings of deep sadness and even rage. You might be left wondering why you drew the short straw when it comes to mothers. I’ve had no contact with my mother for over 15 years now, so there’s been a lot of time to process. Honestly, I don’t think much about Mother’s Day at all because I view it as something that doesn’t pertain to me — sort of like Christmas when you’re raised Jewish. It wasn’t always this way. There were definitely years where the mention of Mother’s Day brought anger, jealousy, shame, and feelings of inadequacy. Reading, processing, talking with other unloved daughters, and practicing different types of self-care have helped me get to where I am today. Here are my tips for tackling Mother’s Day as an unloved daughter. Read the full article

Re-posted from an article by Jeannie Ingram, LPC-MHSP Valentine's Day just passed and love is in the air. Not for everyone, unfortunately. As a therapist, I'm often needed when love is no longer in the air. A heart has been broken, and love has turned cruel. Or the pain of loneliness has become unbearable. Only occasionally do people seek therapy when love is blooming like the daffodils. But take heart. Like the words in so many songs, love is indeed the answer; it always has been, and always will be. It's the question that needs examining, that question being, "who do you love"?

Love Yourself First

People often give their love to another before they've ever truly explored what it means to love themselves, and this can be a setup for problems in the relationship. Why? Because until you truly deem yourself worthy of love, you may sabotage the love of another, finding it difficult to trust. It's like building a mansion on quicksand. It may be beautiful at first, but after a short time, it will likely disappear. To experience a sustained, loving relationship with another, you must have a sustained, loving relationship with yourself to receive love with an open and undefended heart. I am not talking about narcissism, which is an ego-inflated sense of self-importance. I'm referring to a healthy and loving understanding of self and truly knowing that your value is at least that of others. All of us have equal value. Believe it or not, many people struggle with this. For some, it's due to leftover childhood shame or negative messages that program us into thinking something is wrong with us or that we're not worthy of love. Again, if we didn't get it as children, it's hard to trust when it tries to come into our adult life.

Love is a Verb

Love is about action. Love is about caring behaviors. Many people believe love is a feeling, and it certainly can be. Still, that feeling is ultimately the result of how we demonstrate our love in both giving and receiving. To expect the feeling of love without actively nurturing it through everyday actions is like expecting fruit from a non-existent tree. If we want to grow the fruit of love, we must first take the action steps of planting and nurturing the tree. Then we can expect the fruit or the feeling of love to blossom.

Tips to Grow the Love Tree

• Find ways to express your love, and don't be confused by advertising messages. 
• Spending money to show your love is unnecessary. 
• Showing love through your language, thoughtful, caring behaviors, and realistic expectations. 
• Replacing demands with requests and appreciations allow the flow of love.
• Refrain from language that criticizes, condemns, disparages, and shames. It will create misery, not love. Instead, reframe into expressions of desire, encouragement, and gratitude.
• Try seeing mistakes as opportunities for redemption and forgiveness rather than punishment.
• Try seeing yourself as a human being who, like everyone else, is searching and worthy. 
• Practice random acts of kindness toward yourself, as well as toward strangers.

This is the way we should all be treated, and no one, not even you — should be an exception. Because, like being in love, it sets you up for inner peace, success, and joy in life. Who doesn't want that?  When you have love and peace toward yourself, you're much more likely to attract and maintain genuine love with another person. So this Valentine's Day, may I suggest that you give yourself the gift of love. Begin by looking in the mirror and seeing the person who most deserves it. And love that person with your whole heart and your actions. Love is, after all, the answer.